fluorescent adolescent

Here's an over used photo I've uploaded elsewhere bc I look kyot here

I'm rewarding this blog a post because I survived the first week of my internship. I mean it wasn't that hard yet but all anxieties have been thrown down the drain. Before the summer even started, I already knew what I wanted to do for my OJT which is (1) do collaterals (aka "online posters" and (2) try to edit videos/online contents that has something to do with production – all of which I'll be doing yay! 

I interned at Areopagus Communications; which is under CBCP and is in charge with all things catholic from coverage, online content posts, etc. So far so good even though I have the most workload but anyhoo, I enjoy the work. Company is great though the environment is kinda sketchy but kebs lang. I'm glad the first week's over because I'm no longer tryna hustle and bustle with uber pool and losing all that money (potential ipon money tbh) Also, lunch time is heaven sent cos ang daming ulam palagi???? It also just occurred to me that Manila streets are such a mindfuck compared to Quezon City I swear 2 god.  

I'm also currently trying to venture out to new hobbies and things that I've always been meaning to try and do aka vlogging sans the talking. IDK if I can make one but I'll try to because why not + a breakdown of the things that happened to me during the first week of work.

Here's how I lost my forever person. I didn't. 

I've been through relationships that didn't last while the longest I have been was 2 months and it was very toxic. I never took anyone seriously anymore since my mind was set to that accepting that I would lose people would also mean lessening the hurt. Then came college where I met someone who I thought was very amazing. I dedicated a full post about how happy I was with him at that time. No one made me feel accepted, love, and elated the way he did. He was everything I never expected and more. I thought to myself, "Hey, this could be my human!" but assumptions lead to disappointments and disappointments may last a life time.

Just like that, the inevitable happened.

I lost him over something that scared the both of us. 17 year old me wouldn't have expected I'd go through that. He was physically there, he would listen to my crying, but now that I think of it, I got very little to no amount of help. The mess was mine to clean but I didn't mind that. After what happened I knew I loved him more because we just got through a bad experience together and we're okay. Soon after that he grew colder and I stayed null resulting to us breaking up plus a long chase of an on/off that's now a blur.

That was the breakup I regretted the most. It haunted me for 2 years and it hurt me seeing him jump from one relationship to another. On the other hand, I wasn't doing very well either. I never forgave myself because I let my forever person go. My forever person is happy with somebody else that isn't me. for 2 years I tried to love myself the way I should be loving myself not because I was shit wrecked but because I had to in order to love people (in general) back. After 2 years of blaming myself he finally admitted his mistakes that made me angry, confused, everything! I didn't understand shit as to why it had happened. 

Now that I think about losing my forever person, I finally came to the conclusion that he wasn't my human. He wasn't meant to stay for a long time. He was someone else's arms to hold. Because if he were, he would've been there. What makes a someone forever person material is the kind of person that they are after a big or small fight, how they treat you inside and outside of the 4 walls of whatever shit you're in, how they got your back at all times, how s/he is your bestfriend, how s/he makes you feel stable, how they treat your family or dogs, basically just there as your cornerstone and you doing the same. All of which I never really found in him. I guess I was too happy to see that he wasn't happy with me either. I was too happy and stuck on the idea of him and me being together. But that's not how it works. Because fights shape you and we never really fought nor argued about anything.

My forever person came 3 years after and made everything okay. 

I grew closer to my family and they loved and trusted him, he treats my dogs so nicely I cry on the inside hahaha, he knows my anxieties and everything that very deep that I shared to no one but 1 person, he was everything the past people weren't. And I ask myself all the time if do I really deserve him because I'm not a great person to begin with and my personality sucks when I'm sulked. I'm a huge mess in human form and I wouldn't want myself either but this big ass 5"9 shit head came along and suddenly everything went better not because I was desperate with dating (I wasn't) but because I pushed him hard all all the time since day 1 and he kept up with my shit, he knows my heart well and knows everything about me so much so that after 3 years of what happened, dejavu happened again and me expecting for the worse but he's still there –– maaaaan! that shit's crazy. That's someone who I could call my forever person.

A friend once wrote about losing her forever person. I understood where she's coming from when she said she wanted to be free but freedom came with a price and in her case, she lost her other half and lost a long along the way. But she's the smartest and most empathetic person I know.

Maybe losing the person who I thought would be my forever person was the best thing to happen for the both of us. I don't hate him though it may seem like it. And I'm not writing this to compare two different people. I guess the saying that you should listen to your mom is fitting for this one; my mom, who hates almost every boy I date, tells me to never let go of you :) 

Thank you.